


Welcome Back to the Pegasus Galaxy, Lieutenant!

by vicki



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Community: sg_rarepairings, F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-11-14
Updated: 2007-11-14
Packaged: 2017-10-15 06:25:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/157945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vicki/pseuds/vicki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Major Lorne's Worst Day Ever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Welcome Back to the Pegasus Galaxy, Lieutenant!

"Where are your pants?"

Lorne had been hoping to have been greeted by something a bit more welcoming. Like "Hi, I missed you!" Or maybe "Oh good, you're back! Sex now!" (Being greeted by the latter? Best Thursday _ever_ )

But no. She had to zero in on the fact that he wasn't wearing any pants, and she wasn't even looking happy about it.

It wasn't as if pants were really that important anyway.

"Uh, well, you see." Lorne was convinced that there was a better way to say "a horde of raving mad women tore them off me." But he'd be damned if he could think of it. "There were these women..."

Cadman's eyes narrowed, and he winced. Not the best way to start off his explanation there. "Uh, not in that way! I mean, they wanted me, but it wasn't mutual! I swear."

He so wasn't getting _any_ tonight, damn it.

"But they kinda all came at me andmaybetoremypantsoff." He finished his sentence off quickly.

Cadman just stood there with her hands on her hips.

"Women just came at you and tore off your pants?" she asked, arching an eyebrow. She didn't look happy, and understandably so, he thought.

He nodded his head morosely.

Then to his surprise, she doubled over with laughter. "That's the funniest thing I've ever heard!" she choked.

Lorne frowned. "Hey!" he protested. "Not funny. I'm missing my pants here! And I think some of them scratched me with their damn nails."

That just made her laugh louder. "I can see you're missing your pants, dear. I think the whole of Atlantis probably knows that you're missing pants by now! In fact, I think the only story that can still top this is McKay's arrow in his butt and that's because, well, it's McKay, and he got an arrow in his butt. God, I'm never going to get tired of that!"

Lorne groaned, moving across the room to drop down on the bed. "Great. Just great. I'm second to _McKay_ the laughingstock of Atlantis. Do you know how damaging that is to my ego?"

"Oh, my poor baby," said Cadman, dropping down on the bed next to him. "Do I need to kiss it better?"

"I vote you kiss _something_ ,"replied Lorne, turning and giving her puppy dog eyes. "It's been over a month since I've seen you. Do you know what that sort of time does to a man?"

"Just what it does to a woman too," pointed out Cadman, leaning in to quickly brush her lips against his. Lorne wrapped one arm around her waist, holding her close. "In fact, maybe even worse, considering I had all that time all alone on the Daedalus. Long distance relationships when long distances involve galaxies suck. Did you know that it's been one month, six days and –" She lifted her wrist up to look at her watch. "Seventeen hours since we last had sex."

"You were counting hours?" asked Lorne. "I'm not sure if I should be impressed or worried. We _are_ about to reset that to zero, right?"

Cadman's response was to hook her fingers in the waistband of his boxers. "Oh yeah," she said, smirking.

* * *

  
"One month, six days and eighteen and a half hours," Cadman muttered under her breath to him, as they continued tramping through the forest.

Lorne groaned. "Don't remind me," he said. "Welcome back to the Pegasus Galaxy, huh, Lieutenant?"

"I much preferred the welcome back you were going to give me," huffed Cadman. "This had better be the shortest mission in the history of the expedition. It's fine for Dr. Weir; Mitchell isn't going anywhere – oops. Forget I said that."

Lorne turned to look at her incredulously. "Colonel Mitchell and Dr. Weir? You're kidding."

"We're forgetting I said anything," said Cadman firmly. "But if I were, then I would be saying that they need to learn the definition of subtle."

"This coming from a woman who blows things up to make a point," said Lorne.

"Hey, I can be subtle!" exclaimed Cadman. Lorne snorted and she rammed an elbow in his side.

"What, like that?" he asked, a pained expression on his face.

"Why are we even here anyway?" she asked, completely changing the subject on him.

Lorne shrugged. "We trade with these people from time to time and they asked for help. That's all Dr. Weir told me."

"Because there's no one else on Atlantis who could possibly come and help them," griped Cadman.

"They might be needing our explosives expert. That's why it's us," said Lorne.

Cadman perked up slightly. "Explosions are _almost_ as good as sex."

* * *

  
Just when he thought his day couldn't get any worse, it did.

Not only was Lorne without pants in public for the second time in one day, now he was also without his shirt and jacket.

He could hear Patterson, his second-in-command, trying to hold back a snicker, and was mentally assigning him the worst duties he could think of. Babysitting Sheppard and his paperwork was top of that list.

Cadman huddled next to him, in the tattered remains of his shirt. Handing over his shirt (and what was left of his dignity) had been an easy decision, when the other option was letting the entire male population (and also, he was pretty sure, a couple of the women) ogle his mostly-naked girlfriend.

Or was she his wife now? He wasn't too sure what had been going on when the old woman had started chanting and tied their hands together.

Lorne was definitely glad that it had been Cadman with him. He didn't even want to contemplate the idea that he might have accidentally married Patterson.

Lorne tried to tune back into what the chief was trying to say, hoping that he had been smiling and nodding in the right places. It wasn't his fault if he wasn't; after all, he was standing there in just boxers, boots and dog tags (and he wasn't liking some of the looks he was getting from certain members of their audience)

He still wasn't quite sure how all this had happened. It had been a simple rescue mission; they were supposed to help recover a small group who had been trapped in a cave by a rockfall.

It had all gone horribly wrong when Cadman had set off a small explosion to help shift some of the rubble. That explosion had started another landslide, and in running from it, he and Cadman had managed to fall off a small cliff.

That had been all that he could remember until waking up in a dark hut, hearing Cadman crying out in pain. She had managed to dislocate her arm during their fall, and the villagers had cut off her shirt in order to tend to that and her other cuts and bruises.

Lorne had tried to heroically leap to her rescue, horrifying the elderly woman when he had allowed his emotions to momentarily get the better of him and swept Cadman up in a quick hug.

That was when he realized that he had no pants, and she had no pants _or_ shirt, and the old woman was still looking at them.

He had gallantly pulled his shirt over his head and helped Cadman into it, thinking nothing of it when he heard the woman gasp.

But then there had been chanting and she'd grabbed their hands and clasped them together, tying them together with a red piece of rope.

That was when Patterson and the village leader had returned to see if they were ready to be presented to the village. There was a to thank them for the help that they had given.

Which was where they were now, and had been for the last fifteen minutes.

Cadman poked his ribs. "How much longer do you think this'll take?" she demanded in a whisper.

"Your guess is as good as mine," replied Lorne quietly. "Hopefully sooner rather than later. Next time I leave Atlantis, I'm bringing a full change of clothing with me!"

Cadman giggled softly. "Thank you for your shirt though, husband!"

Lorne shifted slightly uncomfortably. "About that..." he began.

Cadman slipped her hand in his and squeezed it gently. "We'll talk later," she said. "Much later. Because, you know, we're now on one month, six days and twenty-one hours."

  
* * *

  
Cadman had managed to damage her ankle as well as her shoulder during the fall, and Lorne had ordered her to let him carry her during the trek back to the gate.

But she had forcefully refused to be carried through, so instead he wrapped one arm around her waist, and they made the last steps together.

The gate room and control area were bustling with activity as usual as they reemerged on the other side. Dr. Weir and Colonel Mitchell were standing together on the balcony overlooking the gate, chatting casually.

Everyone stopped to look at the returning team.

Or more specifically, at Lorne and Cadman.

Lorne managed a smile and waved weakly at Dr. Weir with his free hand.

The paperwork on this was going to be a bitch.


End file.
